Ungainly

Back in November, I complained that I was too thin, after the punishments of my last two types of chemotherapy reduced me to 163 lbs (74 kg). But in the weeks after that, despite stopping chemo altogether, my weight continued to drop. It has been as low as 149 lbs (68 kg), only a few pounds more than my all-time adult low of about 145 after surgery back in 2007.

I've plumped up (ha!) slightly since then, but even today I'm only 155 lbs (70 kg), despite trying to gain weight since December, and I don't seem to be packing on anything more. I can eat, but not as much as I used to, and I continue to have regular diarrhea and occasional vomiting. My digestive system is simply less efficient than it should be. It's harder to enjoy food than it used to be, though I'm glad I still do. Many of my clothes don't fit properly. I've had to notch in some of my belts. In the mirror, I can count my ribs and some of the vertebrae in my spine, and see too much of my cheekbones and jawline. I'm frequently cold, which was rare before—spring and summer will be a blessing. Sitting on hard surfaces is uncomfortable.

These are no longer chemo side effects, simply a few of the many symptoms of my growing cancer. Perhaps the tumours near my spine are interfering with the nerves that control peristalsis in my gut. Or maybe they are more directly obstructing how food passes through my digestive tract (though I've had genuine blockages before, and I'd know if that were happening). Or maybe it's something else.

Whatever's going on, it makes me weak and tired too. Late last year I finally relented and acquired myself a disabled parking tag. While I don't currently use a cane or wheelchair, I've often needed it. I'll drive to my pharmacy, or the mall, or some other location, and then sometimes sit in the car gathering the strength to cross the parking lot to my destination. On those occasions, if it were busy and I had to park far away, I'd likely give up.

When I have a bad day, I never know whether the next one will be better or whether it's just a new point on the way downhill. Similarly, while my weight seems stable now, it's also possible that I could be wasting away quite slowly. On average, I'm certainly less capable than I was a month ago, and a month before that. It's simply a pattern I face now.